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How We Choose To Be Happy

Page history last edited by PBworks 17 years, 5 months ago

HOW WE CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY

Rick Foster and Greg Hicks

 

Foster and Hicks were corporate consultants became fascinated with the people they encountered who were extremely happy. They started talking with these paragons, using the simple expedient of asking all the people they ran into across the country, "Who is the happiest person you know?"

 

What they found is that no matter what the person's situation, they each created happiness by making the same nine choices.

 

Defining Happiness

"True happiness is a profound, enduring feeling of contentment, capability, and centeredness. It's a rich sense of well-being that comes from knowing you can deal productively and creatively with all that life offers--both the good and the bad. It's knowing your internal self and responding to your real needs, rather than the demands of others. And it's a deep sense of engagement--living in the moment and enjoying life's bounty."

 

Who Are The Happy People?

Is the glass half full or half empty? Happy people will say the glass is both half empty and half full. Life is about coming to terms with both perceptions of the glass. Happiness is the result of our conscious responses to boththe wonderful and tragic components of life.

 

The nine choices of happy people are internal choices--unique tools they use consciously to enjoy life to the fullest and to move efficiently through difficulties and trauma. By following their hearts and minds, rather than allowing society to dictate how they should behave, they become special, charismatic people--the kind we want to know, the kind of people we want to be.

 

The Nine Choices

1) Intention. The active desire and commitment to be happy, and the fully conscious decision to choose happiness over unhappiness.

 

As you go through your day, do you actively intend to be happy?

 

2) Accountability. The choice to create the life you want to live, to assume full personal responsibility for your actions, thoughts, and feelings, and the emphatic refusal to blame others for your unhappiness.

 

Do you assume personal responsibility for your life?

 

3) Identification. The ongoing proces of looking deeply within yourself to assess what makes you uniquely happy, apart from what you're told by others should make you happy.

 

As you go through your day, do you ask yourself, "Which choice or direction will truly make me happiest?"

 

4) Centrality. The non-negotiable insistence on making that which creates happiness central in your life.

 

Happy people don't "wait to retire" or put off that which gives them the greatest joy. Do you centralize?

 

5) Recasting. The choice to convert problems into opportunities and challenges and to transform trauma into something meaningful, important, and a source of emotional energy.

 

Do you allow yourself to feel unhappy emotions deeply, and then move through sadness by converting it into new insight and meaning?

 

6) Options. The decision to approach life by creating multiple scenarios, to be open to new possibilities and to adopt a flexible approach to life's journey.

 

Are you aware of opportunities? Do you take risks? Are you flexible enough to jump into the unknown for the experience of trying something important or new?

 

7) Appreciation. The choice to appreciate deeply your life and the people in it and to stay in the present by turning each experience into something precious.

 

Rather than thinking about the past or worrying about the future, are you aware of the moment and appreciative of your life?

 

8) Giving. The choice to share yourself with friends and community and to give to the world at large without the expectation of a "return."

 

Do you give richly of yourself to others?

 

9) Truthfulness. The choice to be honest with yourself and others in an accountable manner by not allowing societal corporate, or family demands to violate your internal contract.

 

Are you truthful with yourself and others?

 

Quotes on Happiness

Available online at: http://www.choosetobehappy.com/quotes/index.html

 

"Happiness depends upon ourselves."

Aristotle

 

"To live happily is an inward power of the soul."

Marcus Aurelius

 

"The Kingdom of Heaven is within you...Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven and all things will be added unto you."

Jesus

 

"The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart."

Buddha, from The Dhammapada

 

"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice."

George Eliot, Daniel Deronda

 

From Chapter 1, Intention

"Those who wish to sing always find a song."

Swedish proverb

 

"The world of those who are happy is different from the world of those who are not."

Ludwig Wittgenstein

 

"Happiness is not a matter of events; it depends upon the tides of the mind."

Alice Meynell

 

"They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods."

Edith Wharton

 

"Joy has nothing to do with material things, or with man's outward circumstance...A man living in the lap of luxury can be wretched, and a man in the depths of poverty can overflow with joy."

William Barclay

 

"Happiness is an expression of the soul in considered actions."

Aristotle

 

"Why not seize the pleasure at once? How often is happiness destroyed by preparation. Foolish preparation?"

Jane Austen

 

"Remember that happiness is a way of travel -- not a destination."

Roy M. Goodman

 

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."

Agnes Repplier

 

From Chapter 2, Accountability

"Shallow men believe in luck, believe in circumstance. Strong men believe in cause and effect."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

"Let me listen to me and not to them."

Gertrude Stein

 

"Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame."

Erica Jong

 

"It is a painful thing to look at your own trouble and know that you yourself and no one else has made it."

Sophocles, Ajax, c. 450 B.C.

 

"Self pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."

Helen Keller

 

From Chapter 3, Identification

"Ordinary riches can be stolen: real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you."

Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man Under Socialism, 1891

 

"I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds around my neck."

Emma Goldman

 

"Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment."

Lao-tzu

 

"See the false as false, the truth as true. Look into your own heart, follow your nature."

The Dhammapada

 

"If you do not ask yourself what it is you know, you will go on listening to others and change will not come because you will not hear your own truth."

Saint Bartholomew

 

"We have what we seek, it is there all the time, and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us."

Thomas Merton

 

"Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after."

Henry David Thoreau

 

From Chapter 4, Centrality

"A person will be called to account on judgment day for every permissible thing that he might have enjoyed but did not."

Jerusalem Talmud

 

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

Lily Tomlin

 

"Faith in one's self...is the best and safest course."

Michelangelo

 

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

Henry David Thoreau

 

"To be or not to be is not a question of compromise. Either you be or you don't be."

Golda Meir

 

"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."

Rita Mae Brown

 

"If you always do what interests you, then at least one person is pleased."

Katherine Hepburn's mother

 

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want."

Margaret Young

 

From Chapter 5, Recasting

"It's a kind of a test, Mary, and it's the only kind that amounts to anything. When something rotten like this happens, then you have your choice. You start to really be alive, or you start to die. That's all."

James Agee, A Death in the Family

 

"It's not having been in the dark house, but having left it that counts."

Theodore Roosevelt

 

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

Albert Einstein

 

"When written in Chinese, the word crisis is composed of two characters. One represents danger, and the other represents opportunity."

John F. Kennedy

 

"I think the years I spent in prison have been the most formative and important years in my life because of the discipline, the sensations, but chiefly the opportunity to think clearly, to try to understand things."

Jawaharlal Nehru

 

"I saw sorrow turning to clarity."

Yoko Ono

 

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

Albert Camus

 

From Chapter 6, Options

"Keep on sowing your seeds, for you never know which will grow - perhaps it all will."

Ecclesiastes, 11:6

 

"Chance is always powerful. Let your hook always be cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be fish."

Ovid

 

"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark."

Agnes de Mille

 

"You are lost the instant you know what the results will be."

Juan Gris

 

"Whatever is flexible and loving will tend to grow; whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die."

Lao-tzu

 

"You can plan events, but if they go according to plan they are not events."

John Berger

 

"Live! Yes! Life is a banquet and most suckers are starving to death."

Patrick Dennis, Auntie Mame

 

"Question: What do you see yourself doing five years from now? Answer: I have no idea. I've never had a career plan and never will. I just always make sure that I'm doing something I love at the moment, and I find out where it takes me. I float downriver, then I wake up and say, 'Oh, here I am. I've had a swell float.'"

Diane Sawyer, interviewed in US Magazine, September 1997

 

"The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not."

Stephen Sondheim, Move On

 

From Chapter 7, Appreciation

"The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness."

The Dalai Lama

 

"The secret of health for both the mind and the body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly."

Buddha

 

"Best to take the moment present, as a present for the moment."

Stephen Sondheim, Any Moment

 

"Yesterday is ashes; tomorrow wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly."

Old Eskimo saying

 

"Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for the wise men say it is the wisest course."

Shakespeare, Henry VI

 

"This is the day which the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Psalms

 

"Do not worry about tomorrow's trouble, for you do not know what the day may bring. Tomorrow may come and you will be no more, and so you will have worried about a world that is not yours."

Babylonian Talmud

 

"To be alive, to be able to see, to walk...it's all a miracle. I have adopted the technique of living life from miracle to miracle."

Arthur Rubinstein

 

"You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing, and grace before I dip the pen in the ink."

G.K. Chesterton

 

"Earth's crammed with Heaven."

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

 

From Chapter 8, Giving

"If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain; If I can ease one life the aching, or cool one pain, Or help one fainting robin unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain."

Emily Dickinson

 

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."

Lao-tzu

 

"The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own."

Benjamin Disraeli

 

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

"Life gets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich."

Sarah Bernhart

 

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

The Dalai Lama

 

From Chapter 9, Truthfulness

"This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night follows day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

Shakespeare, Hamlet

 

"When truth is buried, it grows, it chokes, it gathers such explosive force that on the day it breaks out it blows everything up with it."

Emile Zola, J'Accuse, 1898

 

"He offends no one. Yet he speaks the truth. His words are clear. But never harsh."

The Dhammapada

 

"When one is pretending, the entire body revolts."

Anais Nin

 

"Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch, nay, you may kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at evening."

Oliver Wendell Holmes The Professor at the Breakfast Table

 

"The enemy of the truth is very often not the lie - deliberate, contrived, and dishonest -- but the myth -- persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic."

John F. Kennedy, 1962

 

"It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself."

Thomas Paine

 

"The truth shall make you free."

John, 8:32

 

Learning Exercises

Learning Intention

  • Make a list of your most important intentions (long-term and today)
  • Evaluate your list. Eliminate the items that are responses to other people's expectations or what you feel you "should" do. What you are left with are your most important intentions.
  • After every item, write, "...and I intend to feel happy doing it."
  • (This is the critical step!) Take a good look at the phrases you have written. Look deeply inside yourself and answer the following questions:
    • How do I feel about these intentions? Do they feel real, authentic?
    • Do these intentions match my previous approach?
    • If not, why haven't I had the intention to be happy? What have been the benefits of being unhappy?

 

Defense Strategies

  • Is there a payoff to using your defensive strategies?
  • When do you use them most frequently?
  • What behaviors in others seem to trigger these responses?
  • How could you substitute accountable responses for defensive reactions?

 

Creating Your Dream List

1) Ask yourself, how do I feel physically right now? Make a note of your feelings.

2) Set the timer for 4 minutes.

3) Make a list of everything that makes you happy. Write as fast as you can without stopping. Don't judge your answers.

4) When the timer goes off, stop immediately and make a note of how you feel.

5) Study your list and ask yourself:

  • How do I feel about what I've written? Surprised? Frustrated?
  • Was it difficult for me to come up with things? Did I freeze up as I wrote?
  • How much of the list reflects who I really am? How much reflects what I've been told to enjoy or desire?

 

Centralizing What Makes You Happy

1) Take the dream list, and add anything you might have forgotten.

2) Check off anything you do regulary--these are things you are already centralizing.

3) Take a look at the unchecked items

  • Do you see a theme?
  • What are you failing to centralize in your personal life? Your professional life?
  • What's stopping you?
  • Can you easily integrate some of these things into your life?

 

Recasting Fears

1) "I am afraid of _X_."

2) "What really scares me is that I'm afraid I can't cope with _Y_."

3) What would allow me to cope more effectively? List the possibilities.

4) Which possibilities are realistic, and what can I start doing immediately?

 

Learning to Recast

  • What are the emotions I'm feeling?
  • Have I really allowed myself to feel all of the emotions related to this problem?
  • As difficult and painful as the problem may be, what things of great importance have I learned about myself (or others) because of this problem? Have I re-evaluated my life in any way?
  • What do my emotions and reactions teach me about myself?
  • Has this problem prompted me to make positive changes in my life? Or are there meaningful ways to change my life that would me me happier and more productive?
  • If this problem is unlikely to change, how can I best enhance other parts of my life?

 

Finding New Options

1) Recall a recent situation you found disappointing. Make the picture in your mind as clear as possible.

2) Envision other options in the situation that might have made it more bearable or even turned it into a great opportunity. List them without being judgmental. See how many you can come up with.

3) Could these options have helped you create a happier situation? What got in the way?

 

Being in the Moment

Write down three times in your life when you have felt the most alive. Why is it that you felt so alive? Was there a rush from the experience? Were you completely focused on that one event, without regard for the problems that cropped up yesterday or the presentation you have to make a work tomorrow? If so, you were probably in the moment.

 

Learning Appreciation

Appreciation can be one of the most powerful forces in a productive workplace. Giving one another positive recognition is one of the most important things we can do. Happy people don't wait for official holidays.

 

1) In 5 minutes, speedwrite a list of everything you appreciate. When the timer sounds, stop and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you may be having. What do they tell you?

2) Review your list and make a note next to each item. Decide whom you need to appreciate.

3) Right now, what is there to appreciate in the moment? Try to deepen your awareness of the present.

 

Do this exercise every couple of weeks and see what happens.

 

Exploring Giving

The highest level of giving is giving so that another can support him/herself without dependence on others.

  • What can you do to help others enhance their ability to support themselves?
  • Are there ways you could mentor, give someone the "tools of her trade" or teach life skills?
  • Could you help people live more independently?
  • If you are currently involved in this kind of giving, how does it feel?
  • If this is something you might consider doing, can you imagine how it would feel?

 

Finding Your Own Truth

Find a time when you can be alone. Take a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. Complete the following phrases:

 

"I pretend that _X_."

"The truth is _Y_."

 

Keep repeating the phrases and filling in the blanks as you face yourself. You may discover things about yourself of which you are not aware. For example: "I pretend to have a close relationship with my sister. The truth is, I don't share most of my feelings with her."

 

Alternately, you can do this exercise with a loved one that you trust, and take turns.

 

Consider the following:

 

  • What have I learned about myself? My partner?
  • Am I surprised by what I heard from my partner?
  • Were there any major revelations?
  • What were the themes we expressed? How do these themes relate to real issues in our lives?
  • How did it feel to encounter my own truths? My partner's truths?

Comments (1)

Stan James said

at 2:33 am on Jul 7, 2010

Choice #9, "Truthfulness", is in direct contradiction to a study referenced in a recent RadioLab podcast. The relevant segment is here:
http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2008/02/29/segments/92437
In a nutshell, people who are better at lying to themselves tend to be happier.

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